familytastic!

Up until recently there was very little differentiation in our home between the toys Rachel played with, and the toys that Jake chose.

If Rachel wanted to play with Barbies or My Little Ponies, then Jake was happy to join in. But in the last few weeks our wee boy has started to emerge. It all started with a Batman figure that my sister bought for him last month, and from then we have seen his interest in boys toys grow and grow.

I thought it was time to bring down all Gerard's old He-Man and Ghostbuster toys from the attic yesterday, and honestly you would have though that it was christmas in our house. Jake has played with the toys ever since, and its funny to imagine that 25 years ago his dad was playing with the same toys.

I can see Jakes gender really beginning to make a difference in other areas too. He is no longer content to watch Barbie Mermadia repeatedly, but is now asking for Power Rangers and Thunderbirds. When playing with other children he naturally gravitates towards the boys, and instead of playing on the swings, or see saws, Jake now wants to play sword fights.

Rachel is such a girly girl, who loves to pretend to be me in every way. Its nice to see Jake no longer following her every move, but beginning to make choices of his own.

Last year Gerard and I both attended a positive parenting course. Not because we were having any great problems or difficulties with our children, but just in a bid to educate ourselves and hopefully improve our parenting technique.

One area we looked at in great detail was that of discipline. Gerard and I were both smacked (spanked) as children, not very often and never very hard, but it was a part of our upbringing. We were both in agreement that we did not want to go down the path of physical punishment with our own children, but really wanted to work on what alternative approaches we could adopt.

After finishing the parenting programme we both decided that we wanted to enforce positive discipline within our family. Very often our daughter would act up and throw tantrums merely because she knew it would get our attention. We began to introduce the naughty stair, where our daughter had to sit for three minutes if she misbehaved. We also tried to not respond to her tantrums in the way she wanted, by yelling and shouting or telling her off, but merely by removing her from the room and placing her on the stair.

While we were using this method of discipline we also tried to really enforce any positive behaviour that Ray displayed. We made more time to focus on and play with her, made a big fuss when she helped us out, and constantly praised her while she was behaving well.

Ray responded brilliantly. Her tantrums decreased dramatically, she thrived on all the positive attention she was receiving and we felt that our new appraoch was very successful.

So why therefore did we not follow the same path with Jay? I often think that we should do a refresher parenting course each year, as without a wake up call we begin to slip back into our old habits.

For the last while we have noticed that Jay's behaviour has been detiriorating slightly. He doesn't throw tantrums in the way Ray would have but he can sulk.......and sulk and sulk and sulk. We had no idea why, and were giving him so much attention every time he did it, therefore reinforcing his behaviour without realising. He has also been ignoring us quite a bit and openly disobeying us repeatedly. If Ray had done this she would have been sent straight to the stair, but Jay was getting told off and I am ashamed to admit yelled at on occasion.

Last week Gerard and I had a discussion about how we could improve upon Jay's behaviour and general mood, and of course realised that we had been making the same mistakes all over again. So this week we have made a concerted effort to adopt a more positive approach.

Once again the results have been almost instant. Each time he sulks or misbehaves he has to sit on the stair for a few minutes. This was hard to manage for the first few days he refused to stay and so we were constantly putting him back. But he seems to be getting the idea.

We are tring to be calmer with him, and explain to him why he must work with us. Instead of yelling at him for lying on top of Baby D, I am trying to tell him that he will hurt the baby, and encourage him to interact with him in other ways.

Gerard and I have also been encouraging him to help out more around the house, which he loves. We have spent the last two evenings shelling peanuts with him, he helps set the table and even helps to hoover the floor. All the time being praised for being "such a good boy!"

This last few days we have a much happier wee boy in our house. He is thriving on the extra attention and time he is getting and beginning to realise that throwing himself on the floor and sulking will not get him what he wants. He is more cheerful, more chatty, and so affectionate, something is obviously working.

I bet that in another year and a half when Baby D reaches two we will be rediscovering all these methods again, and wondering how we forgot the really important lessons that our other two children taught us.

Ray and Jay have always played well together. watching them enjoying each others company has made me glad that we didn't leave too big an age gap between our children. Sure they bicker and row, but generally they get on well and are so affectionate and loving with one another.

Recently their play has become more rough than usual. They often play "battles" which consists of chasing, wrestling then chasing again, and sometimes incorporates a pillow fight. I don't allow things to get too rough, but I do believe that they should be allowed to jostle with each other, and I have read many times that this sort of play is especially important for the development of young boys.

I have begun to have problems though when I take the family to our local mother and toddler group. Often when Jay is playing with some of the other children his age he tends to get a wee bit rough. He doesn't mean to hurt them, but when he tries to wrestle with them, or chase them round the hall, he either scares the living daylights out of them, or manages to knock someone over.

I worry that all the other mums think that Jay is a bully. He is very very tall for his age and although he is only 2 1/2 he is the size of a four year old and is very very sturdy. He rarely means to cause anyone any pain, but by being so clumsy, and rough he occasionally does.

I don't want people to think that he is a bad child, or a bully. i have tried to explain to him that he needs to be more gentle with other children and I watch him like a hawk while we are out. But he just doesn't grasp what I am saying. He doesn't realise that he is so much bigger than the other children, or that he is hurting them. He just wants to play.

Our Jay, the not so gentle giant!

I have mentioned before Ray's bad eating habits. Watching her eat dinner tonight reminded me of the night a few weeks ago when she was playing up at dinner time.

She didn't want to eat her dinner, and I said that was fine, but she would not be getting anything else to eat all evening. Of course she didn't want that so she began to bargain with me.

Ray: "Can I eat two spoonfuls mummy?"
Me: "No ray eat it all"
Ray: "Can I eat three spoonfuls mummy?"
Me: "No ray, I didn't give you very much, so you have to eat it all"
Ray: "OK mummy, how many spoonfuls do I have to eat"

I was beginning to tire of this conversation, so I said "Ray I will not quantify it!!" Ray the screamed at the top of her voice "Quantify it mummy, QUANTIFY IT, QUANTIFY IT!!!".

Hubby and I tried so hard not to laugh, thankfully Ray was so caught up in her tantrum she didn't notice our amusement. She copies everything we say, we have to be so so careful!

Just got time for a quick post this evening before the exhaustion takes me and I slump lifelessly across my keyboard.

I came home from work at the normal time this afternoon. Ray was heading out to dance class and Lisa was offering to take Jake and Dan over to a friend's house to give me some alone time.

Well, on the way home I'd actually decided to spend some time with Jake this afternoon. The offer of alone time was tempting, but I decided to take him to the park while Ray was at her class, then the whole family would meet up afterward.

Jake's obviously not used to one-on-one attention. As soon as we'd dropped Ray at her class, he raced out of the center looking for our car (which wasn't there!) He seemed genuinely disapponted until I said "Let's go to the park"

So, we spent an hour in the park together, and he chattered away to me while taking death-defying bounds about the place. I coached him in how to climb that big rope "web", and after a while he started to negotiate it on his own. A little girl came along and kept us company, and he seemed to enjoy having a friend to play with.

I'm finding these one-on-one experiences really help me to 'tap' into Jake and see how his personality's developing. Little chats at the kitchen table, usually interspersed with some "Dad, do you know somesing...." anecdotes show you how and what he's thinking. We're noticing recently that he's seeking out negative attention from us whether it means misbehaving or crying, and the only way to deal with that is to ignore (or downplay) the negative and give him more positive encouragement.

For me, I find it easier to do that outside of the house. It breaks the routine and comes across as a bit of a treat, so hopefully he'll end up looking forward to out quality time together.