Contrary to popular belief, Lisa and I can be quite highly strung some of the time. Both of us can have short fuses when we’re stressed, tired or backed into a corner.

For the last 3-4 years, I’ve been struggling to deal with tantrums and crying children. Generally, a child in a bad temper can put me in a bad temper. A child endlessly crying or shrieking so loud my eardrums vibrate can drive me insane. For a long time I actually started to grind my teeth whenever I was stressed by the kids.

I’ve been working on this lately. Probably the most important thing I’ve to realise is that when your child is upset or angry, you don’t have to be. Getting upset because your child is upset is a reactive trait.

I’ve been choosing not to react. There are two key reasons for this:

1. A tantrum is temporary. It might seem like a lifetime, but a no tantrum lasts forever. It will pass.
2. Someone else’s anger or frustration is not my frustration. I’m learning (slowly) to see my emotions as seperate from other people’s. Just because my child is upset doesn’t mean I have to be.

The are some pretty cool benefits to learning to seperate your feelings:

1. You’re instantly calmer because you discipline yourself NOT to get caught up in a swell of emotion.
2. You’re able to deal with the tantrum better because you can coolly establish what’s wrong and try to deal with it.
3. You don’t wear your teeth down to splintered stumps.
4. You feel better about yourself for dealing with situations in a more positive way and this encourages you to practice more.

Before we ever discussed this out loud, Lisa said she had noticed me recently actually calming down when one of the kids threw a screaming fit. I hadn’t thought about it in that way. I think subconsciously I was choosing to see the contrast between my mood and Daniel’s (on this occassion) and to simply note that I was calm and he was not.

I’m not saying that I’m by any means perfect. If I’m caught off-guard on a bad day, I might still crack up if someone snaps at me, but incidents of that are few and far between these days.

There’s a programme over here called You Are What You Eat, where a ‘Celebrity Nutritionist’ takes your entire weekly diet and piles it on a table in front of you.

Usually it’s a stark wake-up call that you’re eating too much, or you’re eating the wrong things. Either way, the message is that something’s wrong and needs to change.

With that in mind, what if someone followed you around for a week, and noted down every time you handed out a negative comment to your children? Count in statements that begin with “Don’t…”, “Stop…” or simply “No”. Feel free to add your personal favourites to the list.

I’ve been watching this around our house recently and it’s making me feel bad about the way we’re guiding the kids. Does everything have to be negative? Of course not. Maybe you simply fall into a rut and don’t recognise the signs.

It’s good to recognize the behaviour in the first instance. The next step (I think) is to start guiding the children in a different way. You know stop talking down and start addressing them from their level. Start to suggest alternatives to naughty behaviour and maybe chat with them about why something isn’t working, or why someone made them angry.

I didn’t need a celebrity nanny to tell me we’re going overboard on the orders around our house. We’ll be trying to be less dictatorial about things from now on.

Has anyone else experienced this? What have you done about it, and what alternatives have worked for you?

Over the last few weeks I have felt as though I am banging my head off a brick wall. Jake has always been more free with his hands than Rachel, but over the last six months or so, I have noticed that he rarely hits, kicks or pushes anymore.

Since summer holidays started though I have noticed a deterioration in both of the children’s behaviour. They are hitting each other A LOT! To make things worse, a boy that often plays with Jake and Rachel came crying to us tonight that Jake had hit him on the head, and it turns out that Rachel, who thought the boy was being cheeky, had told Jake to do it.

I am trying to talk it out with them, explaining what they are doing is wrong and that it hurts other children. They have had stickers removed from their reward charts, they have been brought inside and not allowed out to play. None of it seems to be working. To be fair the majority of the problem lies with Rachel, Jake often just follows his big sister’s lead.

I think that Rachel is bored, she misses school and it is very hard to stimulate her effectively while also trying to amuse the two younger boys. I am at my wits end, and don’t like to see my usually very kind and considerate daughter turn into such a bad tempered little girl.  I am trying to practice positive discipline and not constantly tell her she is being bad, but sometimes my patience does wear thin. She is so quick to say sorry to avoid punishment, but I know she rarely means it.

Gerard is going to take some time off work within the next few weeks and we are going to try to occupy the childrens time a bit better. Hopefully a few day trips and some one to one time with Rachel will help cheer her up.