If you’re a new parent, I - as an old hand in the business - am going to teach you an important concept today. That concept is Daddy Tax.

Kids get so much cool stuff, and grandparents especially seem to love pouring sugary confectionery down your children’s throats. I’ve noticed that while they’re happy to shower gifts of candy upon the youngsters, we adults are not so lucky.

Enter ‘Daddy Tax’ - a levy applied to all sweet foods your offspring come in contact with. Packet of crisps? I recommend 1-2 crisps from each child. Sweets? Depends on the size, but 2-3 is acceptable daddy tax. The beauty of this scheme is that the more kids you have, the more goodies you get. You are now officially the government of your house!

Just remember, cakes and buns are non-taxable because they’re not easily divisible. You could take a bite, but you might as well get your own.

And before any of you complain that daddy tax is cruel, just remember that by absorbing a proportion of sweets and crisps, we are helping keep our children healthier. That’s right. It’s a noble form of self-sacrifice.

If you’re a new parent, you want to implement this scheme right away. Children respond better to the notion of daddy tax if it’s implemented early. Leave it too late and you’ll experience hostility and reluctance to hand over the goods.

I was in the local supermarket last week and feeling rather harrassed. The weather was rubbish, the kids were bored and I was trying to do my weekly grocery shop while one tried to kamikaze out of the trolley and the others disappeared under shelves and around corners.

By the time I got to the checkout I was nearing the end of my tether and it must have showed. The checkout operator said:

“I see you have your hands full there.”

I rolled my eyes and heartily agreed. But he made me think when he told me that his youngest boy was now 15 and he despaired day and night about where he was and whether he was safe. He shared an old saying that his mother used to say when his children were young:

“As Long As They Are Around Your Feet, You Know Where They Are”

It made me stop and take stock. Yes the children were full of energy, yes they wore me out at times, but at least they were always within earshot. I dread the day when they grow up and don’t want to spend time with their parents anymore. My kids are great company and full of personality. I like being with them and I like knowing they are safe and well……I’ll think twice before I complain in the future.

I got a little weepy tonight as my wee 4 year old blew out the candles on his chocolate caterpillar birthday cake.

In honesty, he won’t be four until tomorrow, but we had a party tonight in his granny’s so his cousins could join him.

He is such a massive wee boy, he actually looks like he is about five or six years old, but it seems like yesterday when we brought him home from hospital all fresh and new.

His birthday has turned out to be quite power ranger themed. It doesn’t matter what other gifts he gets….he has a green mystic force ranger, so all is right with the world.